2005-01-24
All I ever needed was to eat popcorn with you.
I'm doing government homework.
I had my first college algebra class tonight. I sat by Kyle and it was easy. Two good things.
I really am happy with my life right now. But some things cut deeply into my heart/mind when I think of them. I talk to Kyle and my other good friends about them, and I am a lot better. However, sometimes these things nag me so much that they hurt.
I can sum it up by saying that I have.royally.let.myself.down.in.some.ways.
First of all, I was L-A-Z-Y during the first two-and-a-half years of high school. I only did homework when I felt like it. I never studied. I scraped by with low A's, some B's, a tiny number of C's, and even a D. Somehow I have managed to pull my GPA back up to an A. However...as soon as I was old enough to know what a valedictorian was, I wanted to be it. I could have been it. I know that there are other very smart people in my grade, but I could have worked just as hard as I am working now all throughout high school and I could have been at the top of my class, or at least very close. Now I have very-almost-too-lately realized that I want to be in top 10 people of my class and I am pressuring myself harder and harder to do just that. I could VERY possibly not even make it there. VERY POSSIBLY. I could have been special. I could have gotten lots of top scholarships. I could have made higher on the ACT. Maybe people would actually think that I'm smart.
And band...I could count the number of times on two hands that I practiced my saxophone before senior year. Who cared? I didn't. Before now. I maybe, possibly could have been good at it. I'll never know. And Lion's Band. All these "things" kept me from trying out for the Lion's Band guard until this year. And silly me, I had a small hope in my mind that maybe, just maybe, since I worked REALLY hard at it that I would have a chance at going to Hong Kong this year. WRONG! I.waited.too.late.like.always.
I never started going to church until this year, and now I feel as if I'm too old and everything is too established for them to possibly want to be my friends. So, I don't talk to them and they don't talk to me, either.
I even used to beat myself up because I never went to MSMS like I could have. But then Katie and Melody wouldn't be my friends. Kyle wouldn't be the love of my life. I wouldn't have had the memories that I have made over the past years. Really...
Everything really is going very well right now. But those are just things that enter my mind from time to time...just sparked by seeing someone else being asked for help instead of me...thinking that so many of my friends and my boyfriend are going to China without me...seeing people laugh with each other at church.
It just hurts sometimes, you know?
glitteraloft at 10:10 p.m.